The Most Popular MarySue
by Earthbender2010
Summary: It's funny. Mary-Sue is this hated thing. But how many of our beloved book characters have attributes of the hated Mary-Sue? Quite a few, actually...


"Sirius Black," I said, scanning the webpage in front of me, "you are a Mary-Sue."

Said Black heir was sitting on my bed, trying to solve the rubix cube I had tossed him an hour previous when he wouldn't shut his trap about muggle contraptions, like computers. He glanced up. It always made me do a double take when he did that, his blue eyes wide and (almost) innocent and his black hair falling around his face.

"What?" he asked. "I'm not a girl!"

I sighed. "Mary-Sue is just a term," I said soothingly. It's amazing how scary it is to keep four marauders locked up in your house at any time. What can I say? I'm a masochist.

"So…what's it mean?" he asked, tossing the rubix cube (which he had tried to hex earlier. Nothing had happened. It was fun to watch Sirius be irritated.) and giving me his full attention. I swiveled my chair around to face him.

I deliberated. Tell him the whole truth? I had just finished taking a test for my characters, to see if they were indeed, 'Mary-Sue's. Quite frankly, I was annoyed with the results. I have moved past Mary-Sue-dom, thank you very much. So then I decided I would use Sirius' attributes and take the test for him.

The results were overwhelming, unhealthy, unholy – MARY-SUE (aka: Kill that character now, you're going to scar readers for future generations to come).

"A Mary-Sue is a 'perfect' character," I began, unsure of how to describe this to the pureblood wizard. "They are extremely attractive, make everyone of the opposite (and sometimes _same_) gender fall in love with them with a flick of their perfect hair, have captivating eyes, and are generally the best at _everythin_ they do."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "That doesn't sound like me."

"I beg your pardon?" I smirked. (I, a useless, no-sense of humor fanfiction author actually _smirked_). "Take a poll of every female in Hogwarts (excluding the teachers) and you'll find that they all find you extremely sexy, and you do happen to be in the top four students of every class you're in."

Sirius glared, but remained silent.

"Mary-Sue's," I continued, quite enjoying myself, "also have extremely bad tempers, think they're justified in tormenting others simply because they don't like them, or they're 'evil'. They never get in trouble for this because they're too cunning, or suave and talk their way out of sticky situations. If they ever land in detention, they find ways to amuse themselves."

Sirius didn't like what I was saying. He was now leaning against the wall, his arms folded, legs spread out across my (extremely lame) Harry Potter bed spread. His cool eyes seemed to be x-raying my brain.

"Might I also mention that the people that do fall in love with them, always, _always_ overlook their character flaws, which are usually quite garish and obvious?"

"What's your point?" Sirius snapped, sick of my rough evaluation of his character.

"_You're a Mary-Sue!_" I crowed happily.

"Why are you so happy?" Sirius snapped. "It sounds like Mary-Sue's are extremely disliked in your little 'fanfiction' world!"

I snickered to myself and turned back to the computer without a reply. I began typing the next chapter of my fanfiction, feeling Sirius gaze on my the entire time. I sighed. He wasn't going to be happy with a simple 'I'm glad you're a Mary-Sue'. No. He had to know 'WHY'.

I turned around again.

"You see, this quiz," I motioned to the computer behind me. "It says my character, Dorcas, is a possible Mary-Sue."

Sirius nodded stiffly.

"But if she's paired with _you_," I exaggerated this with a motion of my hands, "then no one will notice she's a Mary-Sue besides your obvious Mary-Sue-ness!"

Without further ado, I turned back to the computer, practically glowing, the beaming smile on my face never faltering.

Sirius growled, muttered a curse about 'blasted color cubes' under his breath and stormed down to the kitchen to raid Remus' hidden chocolate stash.

**A/N: I only speak the truth. On this quiz, Dorcas came out with a Mary-Sue score of 38. Which is bad. Official Mary-Sue is a score of 50+. I took the test for Sirius. His score was 80. (This quiz was also slightly biased, saying basically that all characters are Sue's unless they're unbelieveably boring, live in their parents basement, are out of shape, fat, ugly and over 40.)**


End file.
